Back home, it’s late, and it’s almost as if I’ve never left. Almost, as in, I still do everything automatically; I could do it with both eyes closed. My hands still hold each and every piece the way I did 31 days ago, my feet still cross the pavement in the same fashion. It’s also as if the decor never changed. The old stereo we received a few days prior to my departure still lies on the floor where we left it. The table is in the same position as last month, just a new shade of mahogany. My room is still clean, and remains mostly the same—that is, except for my sister’s bed that has been finally replaced with my own. It’s half the size and completely blue, covered with plush toys I had since forever. It’s very welcoming, and although I really miss California and the people who have cherished me there, I am glad to be home. The weather is thick and hot like I remembered from the past summers. I could sleep in my trunks and small tee and not feel an inch of cold.
Summer has recently begun, here in Montreal, and although every week holds a variety of different weather predictions, it’s always a very warm one. This upcoming one might be hectic though, with raging students still unhappy with whatever the government has been offering them up to date. I hear stories about what plans are coming up next, and although I do understand where they are coming from, a huge part of me is hoping they won’t affect my summer. In the end, this is bound to be a summer unlike any other… I have so many things to do in order to prepare myself for the future. Many things I wish to learn have been added to the list, as well as the things to buy, the places to explore and photograph, and the money I need to raise. I don’t wish this to be another lazy summer. I’m home now, and without a minute to spare. Maybe a few days to recover my strength, but even as I must recover, I feel as though tomorrow I must hop on the bus and get things done. I don’t know. I feel the need to move, to explore, to become closer with myself and my surroundings.
And I keep thinking of what I have left behind. And what I must do to get things back. I wonder what else I have learned. I need to clear out my mind. But before then, I’ll rest. Close my eyes and dream. And float away.
I’m still wishing I would make a bit of sense. I’m leaving tomorrow but I don’t want to. This past month I’ve been stuck between the time of my life and complaining about how things could not be different. I’m a bit of a mess but I think I understand a bit better now. I’m ready to make things livelier, to appreciate everyone and everything more, to work hard and take care of myself. I just hope that once I return home and sleep in my own bed, I won’t turn the other cheek. California is such a beautiful place. It’s full of adventure, beautiful mountains, a soft sunny glow and great food. The people are beautiful, the roads are well-built, and I could go on for hours but you see my point. I love it here. I’d love it even more if I was strapped with cash and knew how to drive. It’s like a dream land, where the sun always shines and the weather is warm yet bearable. It’s always this way whenever you visit a new place. I feel the same way I could if I were starstruck, ignoring the downs of this beautiful state. I loved it here… and now it’s time to go.
I don’t feel like getting some rest. My eyes are failing to stay awake and my heart is racing, reminding me of my fear of airports and airplanes, and the list of things I’ll need to do in order to get home, and in order to continue living my life. So many things to do! I’d like to be lazy for a little longer, but I could only allow myself a week to recover. Afterward, it’s back to the routine, back to being the crazy little girl who desperately needs to grow up, back to being that person in search for reason and someone to share her happiness with. Or not. I am not sure. I just want to do so many things, and in order to get there, I must finish this list of other things to do. Maybe that’s what I feared in returning home. I’d have to assume my responsibilities. I knew the moment I left for California, my return would come with haste and I’d be stuck continuing to build my life, trying to understand what it is that I want and where to go from there. Gosh, this no longer makes any sense. My arms tremble with exhaustion as I try to spell out the next few words. So much time has passed. Time passes so fast. I feel as though I arrived yesterday, and I am leaving tomorrow. I need some rest.
And once I arrive in Montreal, I’ll put everything I’ve learned here to the test. I hope I regained the courage I once lost many years ago. I hope I have built up some confidence here, because I’ll need it if I am willing to get things my way. There is so much I want, and so much I need to do. Calm down. I’ll make it somehow.
This is goodbye. Goodbye for now, sweet Cali. Goodbye to the new friends I have made, goodbye to my beautiful cousin, his boyfriend and their hospitality. And finally, goodbye to the little girl I used to be. Here’s to growing up.
Preparing to go Far away from here As if to escape No, this is a return Return to the past with brighter eyes New found glory, a different type of hope Returning with inspiration, aspiring to be better In everything I am, in all that I do.
This was hard, and leaving will be hard Just one day left before it comes to an end I cherish what I had here And what I’m willing to create It’s not really the end, but a beginning.
I’m a mess. An emotional wreck. Here we are, having fun, everything going good, and at the last moment, at the very last instance, I have to break down. What else is new? I think I’ve broken down about four or five times throughout this whole vacation, so it’s normal, right?I’m glad though that this is my cousin I am dealing with, and nobody else. If it were someone else, even if it were another family member, it would have ended terribly. Instead, here, I just wanted to hold my cousin close and cry even more, knowing that I am going to miss him so much once I leave. Tuesday. The day after tomorrow. Less than three days. Its Sunday early morning, around 3 AM, and I still need to get some sleep. I have sobered up I guess, and I’m still overwhelmed by how idiotic I acted, and the mean things I said. Really? I had to tell that sweet guy that he was a dick? Really? No wonder I’m single. No wonder I’m all alone. I hate every guy automatically because of what a few have done to me in the past! I was a liar when I said I was so good at moving on. Yes, I do move on, but not without holding a grudge. And now, here I am, filled with regret, and hoping I’ll get another chance to express myself and say that I am sorry. I know they were jokes. I just wish I didn’t take them to heart, but what good does it make when alcohol is floating in the system?
I’ve ran out of tears to cry and opened up to my cousin. My savior. My inspiration. Of course, we have our bad moments, but it’s in the family. Everyone who loves each other will argue, but it’s by arguing that you get out the best in people. I mean, its through argument that you could come to an understanding. I just wish I was a little stronger and a little less pessimistic. I have been pretty negative these past few days, and although it really bothered me tonight that the guys gave me that nickname, I really do feel like I am not as optimistic as I used to be, amongst other things. But enough of that. Its late and there are so many things to do the next day, or in this case, when day breaks. I need to sleep.
